>No, I’m not talking about the TV show. I think it is still on. I could never watch it. You know, the one that involves doing crazy stunts and eating live worms and (gag), okay, enough of that.
No, I’m talking about fear…our fear…okay, actually my fear. Ever since I registered for the 1/2 marathon earlier this month I have been stalled in my running routine (read: haven’t run at all). I have worked out, but been really hesitant to run. The 14 week training program starts the first week of February. What is going on, right?! Now, for those of you who know me well, you know that I usually have to ponder things, and then talk about them, ad nauseum, and maybe even write about them, before I finally figure them out. It is just part of my hard-wiring, I guess.
This probably explains why I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’ve been trying to figure this all out before expressing it. It finally dawned on me the other day, while I was Facebook chatting with a friend. I’m scared. Not, “Halloween & Michael Myers” scared, but fearful. Of what, one might ask. It is psychological fear. I think I have a fear of failure about this race. What happens if I can’t do it? What happens if I get injured? What if I have to walk?? How will I feel if I can’t do it?? These questions and self doubts have been haunting me ever since I signed up. I have also had some negative thoughts creep in lately like, “You aren’t a runner”. “13 miles is too far.” “What the hell are you thinking?” If that isn’t bad enough I think in a way I also have a fear of success…in terms of wondering what I will do next after I finish or what if it doesn’t feel as great at the end as I think it will? After thinking about this and even writing this now I have come to one big conclusion.
I think too friggin’ much!!!!
What ever happened to just enjoying the journey and not worrying about the end goal?! This is what I need to do. I need to squash the self doubts and questions before they start and concentrate on one workout at a time. I have to remember to be disciplined, focused and committed to my training – one workout at a time. At the end of the day, I have the right to fail. I have the right to succeed. Whichever it is it will be my choice, but I want to enjoy the journey and go kicking and screaming either way.
IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME!!!!